Elderly Gentlemen

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” 

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!” 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement village were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?” 

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” 

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” 

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

Gone Golfing

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry collapsed on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!" she sympathised.

"You're not kidding" said Harry. "For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Shop till he drops

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50%, when her mobile phone rang.It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was critical and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor she 'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping, so she decided to take a quick look in one or two more boutiques on the way to the hospital.

On arrival at the hospital the lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You've been ages. You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were gone your husband has been languishing in the ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely to be your last shopping trip! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care and be your responsibility!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

It's all in the timing

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Docs and Ducks

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After awhile a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shotgun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The paediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck? The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said: Go see if that was a duck.

Why men are happier than women

The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes: one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier! 

Leather dresses 

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

Designated driver?

After last call at the local, a police officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the pub and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Male plea for help

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. When the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She won't let me near her mobile phone. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot, but when I ask their names, she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them." I stay up to watch out for her taxi but she always walks down the drive as if she was dropped around the corner.

I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think, deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I parked my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Casket case

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP! BUMP!

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Terrified, the man begins to run for home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams the door and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping. Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling. With a loud crash, the casket breaks down the door - bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket, and. The coffin stops.

The worst age?

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day, and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Duck hunt

Two guys decide to try duck hunting. They bought new outfits and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good.

But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

Blokey bar room translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end. Now drafts are $2 but by the next round they'll be $8 a pop.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 17)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a licence since I was pulled over and blew a 0.5 after my last visit here.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

Men:

The bloke's perspective

• Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male and they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get).

• Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much complaining about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out.

• Why can't men lie around and cuddle more?

How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can abide lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave... Now, sitting on our arses for hours on end is a whole other story.

• How can men sit on their arses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre-toothed tigers. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

The woman's perspective

• Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.

• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

• Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

• What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Answers in the stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Pianist's monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pees in the pint.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey and the barman pointed to the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?"

The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Cows and pigs

Here's an update for all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?"- nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Male sex education

A man walks into a pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh," says the boys pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" The boy notices a pack of six and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Wow! Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

3 men and a baby

Three expecting fathers are in the waiting room. Their wives are in the delivery rooms giving birth.

One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pace the floor. Soon the doctor bursts through the double doors and says, "Gentlemen, you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," says the doctor, "they've all had boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

"However, we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion, we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery. We would be grateful if you could join us there to help identify them."

With that, the Aussie pushed past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside, he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks, saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir, of all the babies I would have thought that this child could be of West Indian descent.

"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

Why men wear earrings?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense". The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make it such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

The waiting game

Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

Age is golden

A 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "How'd you get such a voluptuous girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age."

"Did you tell you were 50?"

"No, I told her I was 90."

Four married blokes go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Walking through the woods...

...a man sees another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it.

"Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," he replies.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So the man wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then strips him naked and makes like a tree and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks: "What happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he's telling it, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him and kisses him behind the ear.

"This just ain't gonna be your day mate."

Famous Ads 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

Seeks male companionship. I'm a good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.