Late night lectures:

At 2am an elderly man is stopped by the police and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 Very punny

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Slept like a log last night ...Woke up in the fireplace.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I rang up Telstra, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, what a turtle disaster.

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Hedgehogs - why wont they just share?

More Humour...

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