Bumper Stickers

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Boldly Going Nowhere

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Wanted; Meaningful overnight relationship

Best Caddy Responses . .

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Lessons in Management Vol. 3

Corporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the Story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Politics - For the Libs

Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, and Wayne Swan were flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and chuckled, “You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.”

Gillard shrugs and replies, “Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.”

Not to be outdone, Swan says, “Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, “Such arrogant jerks back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.”

Democracy Explained

1. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

2. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

3. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

4. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

5. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

6. OLD HONG KONG DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.  

Scouts' Honour

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scout Leader told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only three tents got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Please call Adam's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast but I got to ride in one of the search and rescue 4WDs. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scout Leader Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it blows up? Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scout Leader Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Guess what? We all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scout Leader said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scout Leader's tent.

Hear me out

Paddy loses his ear in a freak accident on a building site. Mick says to Paddy:

Hey Paddy, I think I've found your ear, we can get you to the hospital and sew it back on.

Tanks Mick, Paddy replies, but dats not my ear. Mine had a pencil behind it

Dead ringer

As the coffin was slowly being lowered into the grave at the funeral of a traffic warden, a voice inside it screamed "I'M NOT DEAD , I'M NOT DEAD!!" To which the priest smugly answered "I am sorry my son, but I've already filled out the paperwork".....

Snappy answer 1.

The cop got out of his car and the P-plater who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The P-plater replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

Snappy answer 2.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

Instructions for medical secretaries

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Avoid clichés like the plague (They're old hat). 

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

One should NEVER generalise. 

Don't use no double negatives.

One word sentences. Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Use words correctly irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forward earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

You've heard it once you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

Year of the Flu

I'm not really concerned about the swine flu, but I do have one concern.

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow. . . Mad cow disease 

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

Blind parachuting

A blind man tells his friend how much he enjoys parachuting. "My hand is placed on my release ring, they place me in the door and tell me when to jump. Out I go!"

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" ask his friend.

"Oh," replies the blind man, "as soon as the dog's leash goes slack."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Cloning around

Two clones are on a roof when one of them begins swearing. Enraged, the other clone pushes the swearer off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

Origin of ‘the finger'

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, pledged to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore the archers would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won the battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, crying, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck yew!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Signs of the times

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:

‘Yesterday's Meals on Wheels'

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'  

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'  

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push..'  

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

The bathtub test

During visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he determines whether a patient should be institutionalised.  

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"  

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Phillip?"

Japanese bank crisis

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank was up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.

Mexican smuggler

Juan rides up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," Juan answers.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years, until finally, Juan stops showing up. The guard later ran into him in a Mexican cantina.

"Hey, buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Clowning around

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

For the lexophiles

• A backward poet writes inverse.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The butler did it?

The mistress of the mansion summons her butler to her bedroom and instructs him, "Jeeves, take off my shoes, roll down my stockings, remove my dress, loosen my bra, slip off my petticoat, and pull down my panties."

Reluctantly, the butler does so.

"Now," the mistress says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you will be sacked!"

Boffin lingo

"In my experience"... Once

"In case after case"... Twice

"It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... The data is practically meaningless.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Bloggs for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr Bloggs did the work and Ms Adams explained to me what it meant.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit!

Two minute management course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I don't have the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying north for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Not happy

I rear-ended someone at the traffic lights on the way to work. The bloke gets out of his car. He was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy ..."

I said, "Which one are you, then?"

Q. What is the difference between a British Airways jet and a pom?

A. The jet stops whining once it reaches Australia.

Talk to the animals

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly and brushes me down often."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi (in a panic): "The sheep's a liar."

Colourful collective nouns

• A plethora of lispers
• A tenet of palindromes
• A veneer of newscasters
• A brace of orthodontists
• A rash of dermatologists
• An amalgam of dentists
• A cast of orthopedists
• A slew of retired hit men
• A concert of yes men
• A flash of paparazzi
• A great deal of used-car salesmen

Blind Bungee

“Did you hear about the blind man that went Bungee jumping?”

“Scared the hell out of the dog.”

Notorious bumper stickers...

• Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an arsehole.
• Impotence. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
• The proctologist called... they found your head.
• Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
• Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
• I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• Fellas...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Thoughts on life

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.

Yesterday I dialled the Red Cross and got the tax department by mistake. So the operator asked me what number I had dialled. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."

"You aren't too far off, are you?" she replied.

Immigrants

Bjorn and Sven came to Australia from Sweden in search of good jobs.

So they went to the unemployment office the first day they got in. The unemployment officer asked Bjorn what he did in Sweden and Bjorn said he put the elastic lining in women's pantyhose. The officer told him that job wasn't of great importance in Australia, so he would only get $100 a week.

The next day Sven went in. When they asked him his occupation, he said, "Diesel fitter." The unemployment officer thought he did something important with diesel engines, so she paid him $300 dollars a week.

Bjorn was furious when he found out Sven was making more than him, so the next day he returned to the unemployment office. "Why you pay Sven more dan me?" he asked.

The officer replied, "Well, we need diesel fitters more than hose liners in our economy."

Bjorn said, "How could his yob be more important? I put de lining in de hose, but he yust puts ‘em on his head and says, "Dese'll fit ‘er."

12 THOUGHTS ON LIFE

1. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
3. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
6. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
9. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
10. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
11. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
12. Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Difficult things to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Very difficult things to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Downright impossible things to say when drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

8 things to do at K-Mart

1. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
2. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby.
3. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
4. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
5. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
6. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
7. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
8. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while and then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."

Success cycles

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Guide to being an Aussie

*The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

*There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

*On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

*The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

Home truths

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you don't see him excited, make him a sandwich!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

Terrorists can come to Australia and hang around on expired Visas. At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration.

Employee reviews worth noting

Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

Opens mouth only to change feet.

Would argue with a signpost.

Brings a lot of joy upon leaving the room.

In possession of two brain-cells: one is lost and the other's out looking for it.

Instead of drinking from the fountain of knowledge, this one gargled.

Tourist Tips to Surviving Australia

• Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
• Always carry a stick.
• Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
• Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
• If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
• Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
• A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
• They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they received 300 responses the day after the advert appeared. All from the same person.

Truisms

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Extracts from actual letters sent to State housing bodies.

"...and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think a bad wind the other night blew them off."

"My toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"I have had the council clerk down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

Phrases for your "Out-Of-Office" e-mail auto-reply...

"I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you."

"I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 14/6. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again."

"Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

"I've run away to join a different circus."

"I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'."

Ball markers

A golfer walks into the Pro Shop at his local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each."

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray, and with a big smile, hands the guy a 20 cent coin.

Redneck security system

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 12-16.
2. Place them on your verandah, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo magazines.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny, and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pitbulls. They messed up the mailman pretty bad this morning. I locked all four in the house. Better wait outside."