Mums the word

A man was riding his Harley along a Perth beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Rottnest so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Indian Ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "About that bridge, You want two lanes or four?"

The Afterlife

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said: "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that," enquired the parishioner. The vicar replied: "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

Lost in translation

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. He goes to the abbot and points out that if there were any errors in the first copy, that error would be repeated in all the other copies.

The abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries but you make a good point, my son."

The wizened old monk then goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check against the original.

Hours later, the new monk goes downstairs to check on the abbot. He finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. "What is wrong, master?"

"The word is celebrate," the abbot says.

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Offertory Prayer:

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

" Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill voice:

"Mummy, what is butt dust?"

Nun breaks wind

A nun was travelling to Melbourne by air. While waiting in the departure lounge for her flight, she looked over and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She decided to give it a go. She stepped on the scale and put in her dollar. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 82kgs, and you are going to Melbourne."

She was quite taken aback, as you can imagine, and decided to try it again to see what else it would say.

In went another dollar. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 82kgs, you're going to Melbourne, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun was mystified - she had never played a musical instrument in my life.

She sat back down. From nowhere a young man came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and decided to try this incredible machine again.

Back to the machine, another dollar and the card came out.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 82kg, you're going to Melbourne, and you're going to break wind."

Of course, the nun had never broken wind in public in her life. Well, she tripped getting off the scale and let out a let one go, big time.

Embarrassed, she sat back down and pondered the machine. It was too much for her. A dollar, another card. This time it read, "You're a nun, 82kgs, and you have fiddled and farted around, and missed your plane to Melbourne."

The Balancing Act

Once upon a time in Heaven, God went missing for six days. Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He asked, "Where have you been?"

God sighed with satisfaction and pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put life on it. It's called Earth and it will be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" asked Michael.

God pointed to different parts of Earth. "Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful, and cold, while South America will be poor, hot, and friendly. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes, but what's that one?"

"Ah" said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, and an exquisite coast line. The people are good-looking, intelligent, humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

"But you said there will be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting Kiwis I've put next to them."