Alive and kicking

After marrying a much younger woman, a 90 year old gent told his doctor that they were now expecting a baby.

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said: "Let me tell you a story. An absent minded fellow once went hunting, though instead of a gun he took an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it."

"Well," said the older gent. "That is clearly impossible, someone else must have shot the bear."

"That was exactly what I was thinking," replied the doctor.

Swine Flu info

After recognising some Swine Flu symptoms, I rang the Swine Flu information line, but all I got was crackling!

Hospital information

A 75-year-old woman called her local hospital and said, "I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, please. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"

"Do you know which ward she is in?" the receptionist said

"Yes, Ward P, Room 2B"

"I'll just put you through to the nurses station."

"Hello, Ward P, how can I help?"

"I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?"

"I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditione has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied, and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow."

"Oh that's wonderful news! I'm so happy! Thank you ever so much."

"You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"

"No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in Room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all in here!"

Surgery is hell

The patient awoke after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her surgeon. "Well," he responded, "they're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Pointing out the problem

A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here, and here" (his other leg, and both arms). The doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You have a broken finger!"

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Duck-hunt docs

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. Soon, a bird flew into view. The first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," she said, "I think I'll have to get a second opinion." Of course, by that time the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights, and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the bird made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Heart surgeon's funeral

One of Perth's top cardiac specialists recently died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist."

Anal retentive

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to sign a cheque, he removes a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tries to ‘write' with it.

Realising his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's just great! Some arsehole has my pen!"

Get a brain!

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"A male brain is $50,000. A female brain is $2000," replied the doctor.

The male relatives all nodded and smiled knowingly, but the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between males brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants in my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth says, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Catch of the day

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips, he took a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with, so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 16.4 kgs.

Read the signs

Sign over a gynaecologist's office:

"Dr Hayes at your cervix."

On a maternity ward door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you can't see what you're looking for, you're in the right place."

Confused anatomy

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mum, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Dress Code

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress.

"But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.

"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy Johnny.

"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."

"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill...

Check three friends; if they're okay, you're it.

A taste of your own medicine

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

The Surgeon General warns

Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield

Taxonomy of Medical Professions

• A murmur of cardiologists
• A stain of cytotechnologists
• A rash of dermatologists
• A speck of forensic pathologists
• A poke of gynaecologists
• A vessel of heart surgeons
• A clot of haematologists
• A nursery of obstetricians
• A dose of pharmacists
• A pile of proctologists
• A stream of urologists

The ideal patient

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and comparing notes. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," the first one said. "You open them up and everything is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," the second one offered. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third one said, "I like engineers- they always understand when you have parts left over at the end."

"I prefer to operate on lawyers," said the fourth surgeon, the most experienced of the group. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable!"

Medical record bloopers

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Strike

Doctors at a major Perth hospital have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Teen Trouble

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"

Colonoscopy Quips

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Take it easy doc; you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

"Find Harold Holt yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know in Tasmania we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miner's chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"Hey doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at James Hardie, didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"

Memory loss

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, before kindly saying, "Pay me in advance."

Spot a doc?

"I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

"Have you ever seen a doctor?"

"No, only spots."

Exercises to prepare for hospital

Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the gardener probe you with his applicator.

Drink a litre tin of Wattyl One-Coat Coverage Interior Matt White. Then have your child stuff their slinky down your throat.

Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a squarehead screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

Remove all palatable food from the house.

With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat stand and yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large, elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections who have absolutely no idea of what to do with them.

Hospital chart entries

• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• She has no shaking chills but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him: "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money Joe," Mike said. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes 10 seconds and costs $20 a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits $20 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. He hurried back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposited $20, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

Rabbits Habit

One day, a rabbit escaped from the laboratory where he was born and raised. As he scurried into nearby bush, he felt grass and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. Soon he came across lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well, we dig up the farmers carrots and eat them and the lettuces too."

Our escapee spent hours eating these foods. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he soon asked.

One of the others came closer and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, they're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the day screwing his little heart out. Completely knackered, he staggered back to the others. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Christmas carols for the disturbed

1. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

2. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

3. ADHD - Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?

4. Narcissism - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

Good nutrition?

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Busy!

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying, 'It's a madhouse.'"

Counting sheep

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."